Sunday, 17 January 2016

Depression is a Bastard

Hello Everybody!

Recently I've been going through a massive depressive patch. As soon as January hit, so did my depression. Nothing brought it on, but it happens. I've just been waking up every day completely miserable. Nothing can cheer me up. I just want to stay in bed, in the same pyjamas I've been wearing for a week, with dirty greasy hair, and cry, while I drink enough to make me stop crying.

As I'm sure you can imagine, this isn't ideal for anybody, let alone a single mum of a toddler who depends on her. After speaking to my good friend Salli about it, she's convinced me to go back on my antidepressants. So when the doctors open tomorrow, I'm going to call up, and make an appointment to get a prescription. I've had Citalopram before and I got on really well with it - well enough to make me think that I was better. So I stopped taking them because I felt fine. I didn't realise, at the time, that it was the drug that was making me feel fine, I genuinely thought I'd made myself better. Stupid, I know, when I think about it, but when you're going through it yourself it feels different. 

So, I can't let myself get so bad again. I have to stay well for my kid. He is literally the only thing that ever stops me from doing crazy things. I can't afford to lose him. That would truly leave me with nothing to live for. 

I'm trying new things. I'm not going to let this damage me anymore. 

I'm going to be strong. I'm going to take those antidepressants. I'm going to be a good mother to my son. I'm going to apply for university, and I'm going to get in, and I'm going to get my degree. I'm going to see my friends more, and make play dates for our children. I'm going to have a clean house, and a well looked after little boy. I'm going to be myself, instead of who I've pretended to be for years and years and years. I'm not a perky blonde little Barbie. I'm a dark haired, sarcastic, sadistic little hippy who marches to her own drum. I'm going to take Rhys out more, and have fun with him, and do what normal parents do with their kids. I'm going to give him the time, love, and attention he deserves. I'm going to live - and I'm going to be okay. 

Lots of Love,

Sam x

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