Sunday, 17 January 2016

Depression is a Bastard

Hello Everybody!

Recently I've been going through a massive depressive patch. As soon as January hit, so did my depression. Nothing brought it on, but it happens. I've just been waking up every day completely miserable. Nothing can cheer me up. I just want to stay in bed, in the same pyjamas I've been wearing for a week, with dirty greasy hair, and cry, while I drink enough to make me stop crying.

As I'm sure you can imagine, this isn't ideal for anybody, let alone a single mum of a toddler who depends on her. After speaking to my good friend Salli about it, she's convinced me to go back on my antidepressants. So when the doctors open tomorrow, I'm going to call up, and make an appointment to get a prescription. I've had Citalopram before and I got on really well with it - well enough to make me think that I was better. So I stopped taking them because I felt fine. I didn't realise, at the time, that it was the drug that was making me feel fine, I genuinely thought I'd made myself better. Stupid, I know, when I think about it, but when you're going through it yourself it feels different. 

So, I can't let myself get so bad again. I have to stay well for my kid. He is literally the only thing that ever stops me from doing crazy things. I can't afford to lose him. That would truly leave me with nothing to live for. 

I'm trying new things. I'm not going to let this damage me anymore. 

I'm going to be strong. I'm going to take those antidepressants. I'm going to be a good mother to my son. I'm going to apply for university, and I'm going to get in, and I'm going to get my degree. I'm going to see my friends more, and make play dates for our children. I'm going to have a clean house, and a well looked after little boy. I'm going to be myself, instead of who I've pretended to be for years and years and years. I'm not a perky blonde little Barbie. I'm a dark haired, sarcastic, sadistic little hippy who marches to her own drum. I'm going to take Rhys out more, and have fun with him, and do what normal parents do with their kids. I'm going to give him the time, love, and attention he deserves. I'm going to live - and I'm going to be okay. 

Lots of Love,

Sam x

Sunday, 10 January 2016

DIY - Making a book nook

Hello Everybody!

Yesterday I had a crazy hair brained idea - and I kid you not, it actually worked!

So in my hallway in my flat I had this nasty, unused cupboard that literally looked so horrendous I never used it. However my flat is pretty small, and I need to maximise it's potential and use all of the space I do have, so yesterday I decided to makeover the cupboard into a storage spot for my books.

I am a huge lover of books, I read a lot. It's comforting that it can take you to a whole other place, time, and realm, and for me it's total escapism. I've always wanted to have a library in my house, but since I only have a diddy flat, this is close enough! 

So here are the before and after shots! I really wish the pictures were better quality but I really need a new camera!

It wasn't too hard to do. I started by taking the cupboard door off, as I wanted it to be open to display my books decoratively as well as being practical storage. I then had to apply a sort of backing wall - there were pipes, wires, holes in what was left of the previous wall, etc, so I just used a bunch of cardboard, masking tape, staples, and a staple gun, to create a slightly stronger back wall, before painting the inside of the cupboard, and the entire unit, with grey paint that I already had in my flat. 

Once it was dry, I then placed canvas paintings along the back walls just to give it more visual appeal. I started loading up my books on to the wooden shelves that were already in there. I also had these amazing pop up shelves for kitchen cupboards that I bought months ago but have never really used in my kitchen, and they were only £2 each and fitted in my book cupboard perfectly, whilst also maximising the storage potential! 

I then found a few decorative items from around my flat that fitted in with my book theme - a little heart shaped ornament that says 'home is where our story begins', and a glasses case that says 'you look spec-tacular', and where it's really cliché it's also really cute! 

I just really love how it's turned out, especially for a last minute thought! My books now have a home! I'm also so impressed that I managed to do this while costing me nothing! 

Also continuing on the book theme, today is my birthday, and one of my presents was this absolutely beautiful copy of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, and is the most beautiful book I've ever owned. Jane Eyre has always been my favourite classic, I've read it every year since I was 12 and I still read it now. This is definitely my new favourite thing! It's a charcoal grey, with a shiny copper damask style print on it. It's a nice spongy leather and it's just such a lovely copy and thoughtful gift!

I hope you guys are having a lovely day! I'm off out now for my birthday lunch!

Lots of Love,

Sam x

Saturday, 9 January 2016


Hello Everybody!

So today I thought I'd do a slightly chattier post than usual. Of late I've sort of taken a step back in the beauty scene - Of course, I still blog, read other bloggers posts, watch the new YouTube posts from Zoe, Tan, KathleenLights, and Kaushal Beauty, but I'm not as active as I was. I've wanted to be a makeup artist since I lift school. Countless bar jobs, a baby, and a move three hundred miles across the country, and I've still not found the time to go to beauty school. But in all honesty, I live in a tiny town, and there really isn't the demand for it here. The only things we have are makeup counters, and hairdressers. Weddings are rare here as well as Gretna is a couple of hours away, so bridal makeup is also a no-go as I don't drive. 

Recently I've been thinking about what I'd like to do if I couldn't do makeup. I feel like I need to broaden my options. If there isn't a demand for something then you're not going to get customers, and as we all know, we need to make a living. 

So... If I couldn't do makeup, I would totally be a baker. Unfortunately that isn't realistic, as I'm a single parent, and bakers typically work from 1am to midday (all through the night), and I can't exactly leave my flat with my toddler in unattended, and I have no one else to look after him. I'm his mum - it's my job.

It's a shame though, because if I was still living with my parents I could totally do that, I have my mum, my stepdad, and two brothers that could help me with him so I could go to work, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that when you don't all live together.

I'm not a bad baker though. These were a few things that I made last year!

Basic white loaf - My signature loaf is a white round bloomer, but a basic loaf is so versatile.

Lemon Drizzle Loaf Cakes - Lemon drizzle is my favourite. I baked the lemon slices on top of the cake for decoration, before drizzling over the lemon icing.

My Spring Cake - This was a lemon sponge made with lemon curd to keep it soft and tangy, with lemon flavour icing and a pretty, bright decorative sugar flower.

Rhys's 1st Birthday Cupcakes - These were incredibly easy. Basic vanilla sponge in fun, boy-ish cupcake cases, with blue buttercream icing and blue glitter sprinkles. 

Of course, I've done more baking than that, I compiled my favourites into a collage long ago!

For me, I genuinely love to bake. It's therapeutic. To make a loaf of bread takes around three hours. You knead away until it's a perfectly formed dough, leave it to rise, knead it again to bash out the air, and bake, and by the time you've formed that perfect, crusty loaf of bread, you've kneaded away all your stress and anxiety and you're left with a flawless final product to be proud of. 

I also love cute and kitsch kitchenware, it makes it so much more fun to bake when you're using interesting things to bake with! I've also had over four years professional kitchen experience, as I worked my way up from Kitchen Porter, to Chef, to Kitchen Manager, so I know how kitchens work. I could redo my Kitchen Health and Safety Certificate again and I would pass first time, easily. And of course, I have my own signature recipes that I am forever trying to improve, try out new flavours etc, so I do have at least three years experience at home baking, too. I also bake the cakes for everyone in my family's birthdays without fail every year now!

It's just the hours I'm trying to find a way to work with! I've considered everything from moving back in with my parents, to being self employed. But self employed doesn't pay as well as I would need, as a single parent. Nor do I drive, so I can't deliver. I'm starting up my driving lessons again soon though. I've even thought of making a two year plan - getting my driving lisence, my personal lisence, my catering certificates that I would need, working on my signature bakes and sugarcraft, creating a portfolio, a business website, and advertising in my local area as a baker, and do commissions for birthday and celebration cakes. It would take a while to get recommendations, but I'd really like to think I could do it!

Of course, anxiety and realism kicks in, and you realise it's going to be very, very, very hard, with limiting pay. But then, in this day and age, what career isn't? The longer you work at it, the more clients you get. And I could still get a part time job on the side to help out financially until I can properly work for myself. 

I'm so sorry to anyone reading this btw, I'm totally blabbering on about how I want to do something but don't know if I can! I'm going to see how my baking goes for the next few months and start my driving lessons again, and maybe try and put this plan into motion?! It's an exciting prospect because I never feel like I have any career options but this could actually work. Of course you need to think about it long term, as short term goals can never be that good with a business, but it's always a start! I could maybe even start up a baking blog too, who knows?!

I hope you guys are all having a lovely weekend, wherever you are!

Lots of Love,

Sam x

Sunday, 3 January 2016

Birthday Plans

Hey everybody!

So it's my birthday next week, on the 11th, so this week I'm kind of making plans in preparation for my birthday. I'm going to be 24, for those of you interested, and I'll be going out Saturday night with my cousin Jess, and her boyfriend Cameron.

This week I'm kind of going a bit crazy! I really don't want to feel boring and I've been planning to do something crazy with my hair since Christmas. As some of you may know I've had my hair dark for a while. So far, I've done two hair colour strippers to try and get it back to its normal lighter colour. I'm going to bleach it so that it's white blonde this week, and probably Thursday or Friday I'll be applying my dyes. I'm going to partition my hair into two sections, a top section and a bottom section. The top section I'm going to dye a light grey, and the bottom section I'm going to dye a pastel lilac. I'm so excited to do this with my hair as its so quirky and interesting. I'm not one to follow the crowd so it will be fun to see if it suits me! Here is some of the hair Inspo that I've seen and loved!!

I love love love all of these! I'm so excited to see how mine will turn out. I'm also hoping to get my lip pierced this week (I'm not holding out much hope as I don't have a lot of time free to get it done) but I'm going to try! I want it done as soon as possible so that it's not too sore on Saturday.

I've also bought myself a new outfit for Saturday. I'm not really feeling a little tight dress, which is what most of the girls here wear. I live in Scotland, and it's January, and we'll be going to a pub. There's no need to wear a dress! So I've opted for high waisted black skinny jeans that were £22 in New Look, and a white fringed crop top that I found also in New Look for £3. I really like this outfit as its comfortable, I don't feel like I'm trying too hard, and I can get a lot of use out of it as I can wear it in the day, too! I'm also wearing Jess's Doc Martens in this photo too, but I'm tempted to wear my own Converse for Saturday. I want to drink but I want to be comfortable! If I could drink in my onesie, I would. Seriously.

So when it comes to Saturday I will probably update you lovely lot - show you my makeup, what I eventually end up wearing, how I've done my hair, drunk selfies, the usual!

I hope you all have a lovely week!

Lots of Love,

Sam x